Why

I have dedicated this blog to my search in finding the positives in every situation and eliminating the negativity in my life.

My topic for my blog is inspired by Kate Gosselin from Jon & Kate Plus 8. She is going through a public divorce, (cheating?) husband, being a working woman, and a mother of 8 on top of it. Being in the public eye just adds more fuel to this fire. Whether people say she deserves it, I beg to differ. To be sane and get out of bed to face the day or life challenges is an accomplishment of itself. We forget that.

My life up to this point has been under scrutiny of people that are suppose to be my support system. My choices, decisions, actions, and personal life has been used for people's entertainment/gossip at family functions.

You may think I could narcissistic but I'm telling you I'm not. I'd rather not hear my name being uttered let alone hear from someone else that they hear about this or that.

I've tried many years to downplay everything negative I hear that comes back to me. I want everyone to just get along, leave me out of their convos if it's not positive and stop being negative. But I realized that making my life miserable so other people can feel better about themselves isn't the way to go.

I've hit many stages...the "Why me?" stage, the depression, feeling bad for myself, retreating to whatever was said about me, the anger stage, then finally ignoring it, because that's really all I could do.

It's hard for me to understand that I had no control over this. That I can't do anything to stop this. Why some of the most important people to me couldn't help me fight this battle or was even in the battle against me. I was angry, some days I still get angry. But that just won't help.

What do I want? I want to be able to wake up and take a shower or make a cup of coffee without being bombarded with a call or work that needs to be done. I want to be able to watch a tv show without someone asking me to do something. I want to be able to go to a public function and not hear "so-and-so told me that you....." I want to be able to have a home that's actually a home.

The silver lining to this? I've thought long and hard. These people that are taking up the time to get involved in my personal matter have nothing to do. If it's not me, it will be someone else. These people are just wasting their time hating than growing. And that's what I'm not going to be. I've stopped growing because I thought these people were important to me. Realistically, they're not. And seeing by their actions, it's okay for me to step back and just let them be miserable because that's what they want. I've tried enough to try and pull them out.

The silver lining to this is that I can see people's true personality and it's okay for me to walk away from them if they're negative.