Self Help? Self Indulge?

Lately I've been desiring to clean up my room. I see there are 2 clear drawn out lines.

1. The need to keep buying
2. The need to better myself

And I thought...how is that even possible that these 2 things have meshed together in my life. I have a string of books on sales, working on my strengths, and bettering myself. Gosh...bettering, is that a word?

On the other side of the room I see piles of clothes everywhere. My drawer tops have stacks of knick knacks and there's no room for anything.

So I was thinking to myself...I must be trying to fulfil something in my life that I am not fixing..hence this retail therapy. But what defers my problem to be fixed is these darn self help books! I think each time I purchase these self-help books I think to myself, "Yeah, that solved the problem. I must be on the right road". But in reality it just masked it. And it did more damage than good.

I think about the girls on Real Housewives of Orange County. They're fabulous, they have the best clothes, expensive purses and jewelry, but in actuality 3 of 5 the wives are either selling their home or being evicted. Wow, reality check for everyone!

At my new age, I think....Yeah I see that girl with the $5,000 Gucci Purse, LV Scarf and $8,000 Rolex, but where is she going home at night? Parent's house? Is she indebt? How much does she owe? What's her future going to be like? How many people really have the clothes, looks, husband, family and home? Less than 1%?

After I stopped reading those self-help books and actually took the time to sit and stare at my room for a very long time. I realize I want less. I rather settle for a small amount of things that have value (thought, memories, good intentions from people) than a quantity of things that have no value to me.

I even want to donate most or all of my old clothes to be rid of the superficial old me that had the need to buy more.

I also realize I had credit card debt too. Which I think had a large effect on my spending and purchasing. I think when you have credit card debt and you're paying say the minimum or above, you think, "Why not add more, what's the difference?" You're still going to be paying the amount and for a minute or a day you feel empowered and happy.

My final thought? The more you try and mask yourself with things, purses, make up, clothes, cars...the more unhappy you are with yourself. Once you embrace who you are and happy with the person you are, you'll realize materials can't change you good or bad.