When Your Best Isn't Good Enough

I would like to think that next year's chi is starting to kick in. Then, I could blame something other than myself for my hardship.

I've been doing real estate, being a wife, be a mother, a sister, and working for my husband with what feels like all failure. What reward is there for me? What sign lets me know that I'm on the right path? That makes me feel like, this is what I'm suppose to do because I'm happy.

I lost that feeling...happiness.

Work: I help my husband out with his company and it's been nothing but trouble. People constantly calling to yell at me. Mostly about something I have no control over. It's usually because one of the workers sent them the wrong item, or the item was never sent, or the item was shipped too late. And of course when I ask about my husband's workers, I have get yelled at by my husband because they are "his" workers.

Eventually I get tired of picking up the phone to get yelled at. A double edge sword because then I get yelled at by my husband for ruining his company.

Money? Where is the money. With every dollar that is made my husband either spends it on his workers/friends, or his family feel the sense of entitlement to it for their future. If I bring it up? Yelled at. So I don't bring it up. I don't seem to understand he tells me. I told him, I just want to know that there's a future, that we won't be living with his mother for the rest of our lives. That one day I will have more than one child.

Motherhood: Something I always loved and longed for. I strongly believe I am a good mother. And that every child born to a mother is meant for them. Living with my husband's mother doesn't help. She is constantly making me feel judged of how I raise my child, or she either mimics what I do, or she tells other family members what I do. No privacy with no sense of entitlment to raising my daughter well as a mother.

When I wanted privacy and space my husband yelled at me. Saying because his mother is alone and she is happy why not let her. Again, yelled at. When I seperated myself from my mother in law by constantly going out or staying inside the room, again, getting yelled at by my husband saying why I always need to go out. Or why the door is locked and it makes him feel shut out of his home.

At this point in time, I let my daughter roam to her grandmother without me being in the same room as her. I want my daughter to have a grandmother, but I don't want to be around her with my daughter because she brings out a side of me that I don't want my daughter to see. And it's not my daughter's fault.

The desire for another child...it's a curse. I want my daughter to have a sister or brother. Thinking now, a daughter would suit her. She could have someone to talk to when I'm not around, someone to share things with and always have her back.

Wife: Do I need to say anymore? I once loved the thought of being someone's wife. What I didn't think about was was being married to a good husband that loved me. I thought being someone's wife meant love, honor, trust, a strong relationship. It has been nothing but pain and heartache.

PDA, there's none. We don't share the same bedroom. We don't kiss each other, let alone hug. We don't celebrate our wedding anniversary or any anniversary for that matter. Birthdays and Christmas are a joke. Valentine's day is just another day. Night outings or dinners? None. We always end up arguing.

He says it's me:

Going out: He says he has it in his mind that spending time with just me and him is going to end up arguing and that "we" have bigger things to do.

Same bedroom: Because I'm a light sleeper and he snores it's a conflict. I would get mad because I would get no sleep. And he tells me he has it in his head that we can't share same bedroom beause of me.

Talking about our problems: He thinks every problem I have in my life revolves around his family and gets defensive and that's why he doesn't want to hear about my probelms. If it's not about his family he thinks all my problems are not as big as his and it shouldn't get to me. Or he thinks that it's about him and what he needs to fix and that I should look in the mirror.

Unhappiness: he tells me he's unhappy and it's because of me. Because he cheated and did some shaddy things he said he was going to rebuild the trust. Which meant staying home more and not going out till 6 or 7am. And he has made it very clear that I am the cause. That it's because of me that he's unhappy. And that I'm not letting him be who he is "destined" to be. Which I'm guessing a gangster that shoots the shit, gambles and chase ass.

"It don't matter that I'm his wife": He has said it to me more than once that me being his wife means nothing to him. That it doesn't matter that I'm his wife. When I ask him about things, or ask if I'm sitting next to him. It doesn't matter that I'm his wife.